Here’s a quick tutorial on the publishing industry for those of you who’ve never had a compulsion to stick pins in your pupils.
Step One: Pour weeks, months, years into heartbreaking work of staggering genius (thanks, Dave Eggers)
Step Two: Submit baby to publisher to be kicked back with rude note — get an agent!
Step Three: Submit baby to agent to be spat upon and returned with rude note — get publishing creds!
Step Four: Locate sharp object. Rinse and repeat.
After a few rounds of this, most authors relocate to SriLanka or thereabouts for a spiritual experience, rise above their publishing aspirations, and write a few dozen articles about rejecting their desires. Then they try again and are rewarded with nicer rejection letters due to their ascetic publishing credentials.
Aha! But there is another way. I am trying to decide if it releases you from this circle of purgatory or merely extends the process with the illusion of happy co-travelers. It is called authononmy, and is HarperCollins’ answer to the slush pile. Instead of submitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for rejection, you can upload your book, dialog with other writers, and watch it slowly rise to the top, at which point HarperCollins will perform the obligatory rejection publicly and with many kind words to ease the sting of defeat. For your writer types, you can check it out here:
Don’t forget to bring sharp objects.